On my way back home…

I walked in straight lines.

My feet carefully marking the street pavements.

I then walked in diagonals

Carefully marking the blocks with my sole.

I walked with my face down

Painfully acknowledging the pain and shame within.

I walked with these demons,

And they feasted on my failure.

It was at this point that I knew.

I knew I deserved it all.

I walked in solitude. I walked in pain.

Solomon

THE PLAGUE

Heads turn in disgust,

while eyes mock my presence.

And hearts, they build these walls.

Walls I shall climb for eternity, never getting in.

The plague that I am,

Hurts me, but above all those I care about the most

Even before we meet.

The plague that I am,

The curse that I bear

Will walk with me till the day I breath my last.

And until that day comes along,

I shall carry this plague

And wander the face of this earth.

I shall burry it within and never dig it up

For fear of hurting those I care about the most,

Comes above myself.

The plague that I am,

Makes me want to end it all,

Right here, right now.

SOLOMON

In memory of Elizabeth Wurtzel

“I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to fall apart and crumble before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about ‘If you loved me you would.’ “

Elizabeth Wurtzel- Prozac Nation

Today the world mourns the death of Elizabeth Wurtzel, a journalist, writer and breast cancel advocate. She succumbed to breat cancer on 7th January; 2020. The quote above pretty much speaks for itself. May her soul rest in eternal peace.

SEE THROUGH ME

My dark brown eyes

May not reflect yours

My dark chocolate skin,

May seem rough on the outside.

And my face may not be appealing

But my intentions remains pure.

You just gotta see,

Gotta see through me.

SOLOMON

Writers remark; So I am getting this feeling that it was a very bad idea to use my picture as featured image ( hahahaha……<damn it, get me a laptop with emojis>)

Candle light love; candle like love

In the midst of a heavy fog

A flickering flame dances round and round

Unable to cast any shadows for lack of anything opaque.

As the seasons come and go, the candle gets shorter by the day

Whilst the fog gets thicker and thicker

And so the flame flickers less, dancing even slower; more painfully.


When my candle finally burns out,

When the fog swallows up what is left of my flame,

When the darkness finally takes over

And the pain sinks to the bottom,

May you always remember that I wasn’t always like this.

That I was capable of feeling just like you, capable of honesty and empathy

Before all the pain came along, drowning me in this fog.

For we cant control the past, we can’t control the hearts of men.

And neither can we: Fate


SOLOMON

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor Beautiful lonely candle in the dark

Anja and the witch boy

To my one honest reader;

The person to whom this is dedicated to pretty much already knows themselves.

2019 has not been my best year but I wont pretend that I am shocked. (At one point we get used to bad things) I may be sad inside but I am not shocked.

I wanted to tell you a story. Its about this Danish aid worker named Anja. One fateful day as Anja was doing her work in Nigeria, she came across a very tiny boy wandering the streets. Story has it that the boy had been banished from his community on grounds that he was a witch. The boy was starving and near death, no home, no clothes, no food. Anja took the boy into her home and today Hope is very healthy and goes to school. He has a normal life and is of course, not a witch. End of story.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor nigerian witch boy saved by anja today

Its Christmas! But what does Christmas mean for us? I asked an acquaintance of mine a few hours ago what Christmas meant for her and she boldly told me, “It means nothing, Solomon.” I said, “okay, ‘ieder met zijn eigen mening’.”

As a Christian, Christmas is about Christ but that’s a discussion for another day. I think Christmas is about love. Christmas spirit can best be explained by the story above, Anja and the witch boy. Its simply special that one can dedicate their life to changing the life of another. What Anja did for that boy is what you do for all your students. Its what you did for me. What you do is simply love and I guess thats Christmas. There are no words to best say thank you except by saying, “You are the Anja Ringgren Loven in my life.” Thanks for being apart of my 2019. Merry Christmas and a prosperous 2020.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor nigerian witch boy saved by anja todayAnja and Hope a year after the rescue.

EMPTY AT 3AM

I get up at 3am to stare into the darkness,

Darkness that has been around a while now.

I stare into nothing and notice that;

that the feeling is not new.

The silence of the night, the buzzing crickets,

the sound of my own breathing, my beating heart.


I then take a drive down the streets of our liitle town,

My vodka and cigarretes right besides me.

I see the christmas lights, smiling faces. I see the love and wish I were dead.

The emptiness drives me crazy. My beating heart makes echoes within,

in desperate hunt for the love I see.


Empty, damaged and Incacerated.

Wounds of the past live on, getting deeper with the passing of years.

No one willing to look past them.

So that night after night, 3am finds my eyes open.

Wishing for nothing but just a smile, an internal smile,

A smile to numb the pain.


So I am not asking for much, am I?

A text? A conversation? A date? A smile?

I ask for a chance to be happy!

Maybe I dont deserve it, maybe I do.

I just want a good night´s sleep,

and not be up every other passing night, staring into the darkness.

So give me that chance. Look past the rumours! Past my awkwardness! Past my PAST!

Look deep into me and give that person a chance! Thats all I ask.

But untill then, you can find me staring into the darkness; Empty at 3 am

Is it possible to get emotionally numb?

So my sister told me the other day that I should stop focussing on poetry and more on simple articles. Articles that speak out my thoughts. She also told me to stop writing because Im down and start writing “happy things.” Well, Stephie, this is for you! Nevertheless, I still have to complete my poetry series Letters to my lover. ( I am a little stuck btw)

So today, something popped up in my mind. It was actually not the first time but with my 20th birthday seriously approaching, the thought hit me big. I got to thinking, “Do we ever become numb to feelings?” I mean, is it possible for one to simply stop feeling truly? You are probably asking yourself where this is coming from. Well, call me weird. In fact, someone just called me “weird” about an hour ago! (too bad wordpress doesn’t support emojis! Or does it?)

I remember when I was younger, I felt deeply. I felt truly. I actually cared and loved regardless of whether it was reciprocated or not. And I miss that person. That boy that was real to life. Real with life. I think our “realness” is strongly affected by our experiences over time. I once talked about getting used to bad things to the point where it sort of really stops affecting you. And if that is true, then is there a point in our lives where its possible to emotionally be numb?

Feelings are normally attributed to weakness and for that matter, I am the weakest person you may ever come across. But over time, I have been getting stronger. And now its threatening me. I am actually scared. Is there any such thing as “too strong”? And does that then define being numb? Or is it the other way round? Is being emotionally numb being too strong? I think the world has destroyed my being. I think my circumstances have changed the inner me over the years. Maybe for the better! Maybe for worse! I don’t know! But one thing is for sure, I am real scared. Scared that I lost myself. And that the new me is incapable of being real. Of being true. The hypocrite I have become, you have no idea. I will laugh, I will smile, I will drink (hell yeah I will drink!!), I will talk, I will do anything! But in actual sense, Its all not real. It’s the person I want the world to see. The little boy that was me hides somewhere deep inside. Scared and convinced that history does repeat itself.

So maybe getting numb does exist after all. But it’s the definition of it that stands out for me. I think the little scared boy hiding somewhere deep inside is what we call being numb. Does he ever come out? I honestly don’t know! Does he want to come out? Hell yeah!!! Why then doesn’t he simply come out? Well to answer that, you may have to read my previous blog post. I addressed the issue of getting in cycle of negative happenings. It is so bad that sometimes, I am very sure of the big “NO” I will get after asking. And the little boy has seen all that! So after every disappointment, he only goes back to hide in a deeper spot. I don’t even know whether my analogy makes sense. Anyways, I think that is what has happened to me over the years and I think that is what I am calling getting “numb.”

So how did I get to this point? Maybe I was too real to the wrong people. Maybe I was real in an unreal world. Or maybe I am simply different. I don’t know! Maybe something is just off about me and I am unaware! The point is, I slowly and unknowingly let the world break me. It broke me to a point where the precious little boy inside can´t come out anymore. And he does want to come out. But its ugly out there. And as I talk right now, maybe I am beyond repair. And that is what scares me even more. With my 20th birthday approaching, I am in panic. I am panicking about almost everything. I don’t know what the future holds, all I know is that I am scared of what I am slowly becoming. Unreal, untrue, a hypocrite and numb.

And that’s where the importance of caring comes in. I got to this point because people who didn’t care broke me and made me this way. I think it’s important that we never let ourselves get to this point. A point where one feels incapable of feeling and even if they did, scared that the world still wont care. It comes down to each and everyone of us. There is that common saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. That step in this context is simply caring. Caring about how others feel. In the same way change begins with one person. Take that Swedish girl, Greta for example! She started her campaign alone, seated along the street, and one by one the rest followed. Today she is a global climate sensation. We should never let the one next to us get to a point where they feel numb. And we can only do that by caring. By spreading love.

I´ve been trying to figure out how to end this post all along in vain. So amma just say PEACE OUT.

 

What Mike Posner´s Great American Trek teaches us about living

Earlier this year, Mike Posner, a popular American artist made a life changing decision in his life.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor mike posner

Let me start with a question. What is to live? How would you define the verb ‘to live’ in your own words? Is it simply ‘to be alive’? ‘to breathe’? Or is there more to living that just the biological aspect of it. Just take time to think about and answer that question. I would be lying if I told you that I know what it means to live. I would be the biggest liar. I think many of us are only alive but are not living. We wake up every morning, alive, but do not live the day. Then we go to sleep and the so the cycle continues. And truth be told, the thought of not living disturbs me. I am alive but I don’t feel like IO am living. And I am sure there is many of us out there. I am one of the most motivated people you will ever come across but that’s only on the top. I am dead on the inside. I don’t feel alive on the inside. I don’t know if any one truly gets what I’m trying to say. And it’s a tricky situation because in the long run, you get stuck in in a certain negative cycle. One whose presence you are well aware of but whose cause and solution remain a mystery. You get stuck in this excruciating pain cycle that you cannot break. I am an example of one such person stuck in a cycle of bad things. It starts with one occurrence, and you think, “well, next time will be better”. Next time comes along, same bad thing happens. And you think, “Okay, that went terribly wrong, but next time will be better”. And just like that, you are chained in a cycle. This cycle threatens my sanity. Sometimes, I just start thinking, and keep thinking until I can think no more! And what am I thinking about? You may ask! Its simple. Very simple actually! ‘What is wrong with me?’ That’s it. At this point, I am convinced something its not right about me. I just cant seem to figure out what!

Mike Posner. For those of you who don’t know Mike, he is an American singer and song writer. I am however going to focus on what he did earlier on this year. Mike Posner has nothing to do with what I mentioned earlier on. Being stuck in a cycle of negative things. Mike made a life changing decision, something that did work for him. He woke up one morning and said, “I am tired of ‘not living’. I want to LIVE.” And just like that, he decided to walk across the United states coast to coast. Quite silly! Right? For weeks, he walked. And walked. Along the way, he was bitten by a rattle snake that almost took his life. Five days in the ICU! Weeks admitted in the hospital! After leaving hospital, he was dropped off right where he left. He continued his life changing journey, thinking meditating and of course doing what he does best, making music. Finally, and after 6 good months, Mike arrived at the other coast. Amazing!

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor Mike Posner bitten by snake

A person like Mike Posner, was tired of not living just like many of us. Or maybe, just me. He was tired of not being inspired by self, but by others. Once again, just like many of us. And Just like that, He decided to live. He decided to live life. This six months on the road (foot) raised him from the dead. When interviewed after his journey, you could clearly see a person that was Living. One that had discovered the true definition of the verb ‘to live.’ He left the rest of us dead. I want to be like Mike Posner. I want discover life in its truest form. I want to live life. I just don’t know how. Its not like I’ve not tried. I actually have. Really hard. And unlike Mike, I am convinced that life is not the problem. That I am the problem, I just don’t know what the exact problem with me precisely is. I didn’t walk six months! I have been walking all my life. Bitten by countless snakes, and still never felt  alive. Not even once! I don’t think I am bad person. As children we are taught that bad people deserve bad things. And so logically reasoning, its bad people that should be stuck in these cycles of negativity. And so, If I am not a bad person, why then am I stuck in this place? In this cycle? Is there something bad I do subconsciously? Something I am not aware of? I just don’t get it. But one thing remains for sure, there is something wrong with me. I just don’t know what.

All in all, I am happy for Mike Posner. He was tired of not living. So he got up and decided to live. And y all ought to. You got to get up and start living. Get out of that bed, out of that sofa, put of that house! Embark on your great American trek!!! And who knows, maybe you will discover life along the way. I on the other hand, I’m  tired of walking. I am tired of waking up, deciding, just like Mike, to live! Only to die again. It sucks! And pains. It really does. And yet I want to move on. I just dont know how any more.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor mike posner

GOODNIGHT

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor Goodnight

Goodnight tiny beautiful Princess.

May the furthest stars watch over you as you sleep.

So that I may stare at the skies and see you in the stars.

For when you smile, you bring out the best in me.

As the nights winds pass us by

And the dews start forming on dry ground,

May the angel in you stay up all night

To light up this cold lonely place

And calm the nights vampires.

Vampires that suck the life out beings like me.


 

Goodnight beautiful peaceful princess.

As those eyelids slowly shut the light out of your world

And your heartbeat slowly calming down,

May a smile run across those rosy lips.

So that nature s forces may come to peace.

Winds still, skies clear, moons bright and sincere.

May all your dreams this very night come to pass.

For perfections like you deserve nothing less.

May you feel warm, loved and cared for.

In this night haunted by monsters like me.


 

Goodnight, before I my eyes start tearing.

I only wish I could watch you sleep.

For I remain lost and trapped in this ugly world.

Only seeming to find myself in your eyes.

Eyes I seldom see.

So have a goodnight Princess

And be sure that when you wake,

I’ll be right here with the rising sun and morning star

To wish you the most perfect of mornings.

And congratulate you for simply being you.

Solomon

Inspiration for this piece was the same as that of 1000 Light years

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